Happy New Year, Friends!
This January 1, I sat down with my journal to write my 2019 goals. I had been dreading it most of the morning – it had been far too long since I’d written in those pages. I had fallen off my self-care wagon, and perfection-fueled judgment started to tug at my sleeves.
With gratitude and a little amazement, I’m happy to say I didn’t sit there for long. I poured myself a kombucha and sat down at my desk, picked out a nice pen, and opened the book.
Over Christmas, I was telling my mom and step-dad a story – I can’t remember what it was – that ended with “and when I relaxed, it was fine.”
“That should be your life motto!” my mom replied. “You should get that tattooed on your arm where you can see it all the time!”
I thought of that while I flipped through recent entries. The last one was from October – not so long ago after all. My words from the last year showed me someone who was, at times, lonely, frightened, and frustrated, but who always tried her best. I read about all these things I had been worried about and hopeful for, and looking back, it was all fine.
I could have thought about how foolish it was to waste so much energy on unfounded fears. I could have vowed to just stop it, already! I could have promised to push myself to worry less. But as I wrote about all the amazing things that happened in 2018 – including gaining TWO precious nieces, starting a new job, and hiking in three different states – I didn’t want less. I wanted more.
Life is happening RIGHT NOW, not in some fictional future when things are “perfect.” Instead of waging constant battle against fears about what I don’t have or what might happen, I choose love.
I love my family, even though we’re states apart and I am 34, not 24, and I want so badly to stop right where we are, with everyone still coming home for Christmas. I love my dad, even though he isn’t physically here. I love text chain gifs and phone calls from friends. I love the fizz of kombucha and the taste of dark chocolate and Moira Rose’s pajama brooches.
I love my house for what it is and what it can be. I love my dog and how she leans her back against mine while we sleep. I love my little heart that wants such big things.
Love has both steadied and buoyed me; it has left me feeling so fragile I was afraid to move, and it has proven itself stronger than death. Fear may be flashy, but love is power. In 2019, I only have one goal: more love.
Wishing you the same, and more of what your little heart longs for.